Tuesday, August 25, 2015

My Name is Jen and I'm a Self-Sabotager

Last year my husband and I competed (with some friends) in Warrior Dash ... a 5K run and obstacle course. For months and months and months we planned, prepped and trained. And then for some reason, about 4 moths before the race, I started getting nervous. The excitement dwindled, nerves set it and I began to talk myself out of doing the race. And since I talked myself out of doing the race. I also stopped watching what I ate. And since I stopped watching what I was eating, I stopped working out. And since I stopped working out, I got flubbery again in places that were firming up, and I gained weight. Again. And because all of that happened, I felt so down abut myself.

But then the week of the race came along and it was too late to "quit" so I had no choice but to go shopping find new workout gear that wouldn't show off my rolls. I remember feeling like such a failure as I tried to squeeze into spandex type capri's and body con style tank tops. Didn't they make workout clothes that don't create new rolls and folds I thought?

I'll never forget that feeling of being so mad at myself for "letting myself go" at a moment in time where I could have used the goal of running this race as a motivating factor to keep my eye on the prize: a fit body.

I ran/walked the race and completed almost every obstacle course (with the exception of one) but when my friends posted pictures of the day on their social media accounts, I cringed. Who was the short chubby girl in those pictures? That's not my me. That's not my body. How did I allow myself to get that way yet again? I looked the same as I did two years ago, postpartum.

I promised myself I'd get a grip on my eating and lack of motivation to exercise. With my cousins upcoming wedding in Mexico 4 month later, surely I'd be able to drop a few pounds and tone up enough to make myself feel comfortable in my skin.

And then something funny happened.

I procrastinated. I ate chips. I ate chocolate. I had McDonald's more times than I can count. I feel asleep on the couch every night while I watched TV. My workout DVD collection collected dust, and I didn't even bother trying to go on lunch time walks. When the wedding rolled around, I was a few pounds heavier. I only have a few pictures of myself on that vacation, and they all make me sad. I felt huge. I felt mad at myself for not taking advantage of those 4 months. Wasn't this the year that I was supposed to live a healthy lifestyle? Wasn't this the year that I was supposed to get my weight under control so that my children don't grow up watching their mommy diet?

The funny thing is, even though I was so mad at myself after that vacation, I still did nothing. I worked out here and there, ate healthy enough, but still was only half-assing it day to day.

January 2015 rolled around. I promised myself to get back on track.

March 2015 rolled around. I promised myself indeed I'd get back on track for the Spring.

May 2015 rolled around. OK this is it, my 34th birthday. It's time I kick my own ass.

But still, day after day and night after night, after the kids were in bed, I'd make myself a snack and watch TV until I was so tired I could barely walk up the stairs. I'd forget to make myself a healthy lunch for the next day. I'd forget to defrost meat for dinner the following evening. I forgot to take my fibre supplements to help out the pains in my stomach from having IBS. All the while, knowing in my heart that once again, I was sabotaging my own goals. I get so close and then sabotage. I make a decision and then sabotage.

On June 1 I declared on this blog that I'd get my shit together for the final time. I was going to make 2015 the year I get healthy once and for all starting with making June my own personal bitch.

And then I sat on the couch for 14 days and I was about to declare July my own personal bitch when I realized something. I was sabotaging my own success again. I'm not sure why I do this. Is it laziness? Maybe I don't want a fit body as much as I think I do. Maybe I need to learn how to be more consistent in my daily routine. Maybe I need to re-learn time management.

So for the next little bit while I'm trying to figure out how to break my self-sabotaging habits, I'll also be working on getting myself back on the healthy and active living routine one step at a time. No fancy programs, no hard deadlines. Just healthy eating and getting some exercise in every day.

Baby steps. I think I can accept that.

Are you a newly realized Self-Sabotager too? Psychology Today has some great articles about how to break the cycle, you can find them here: www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-sabotage .


  1. I don't know you, but from what I've read tonight I think the one thing you need to know is that you are PERFECT exactly as you are. You need to look in your eyes in the mirror and tell it to yourself until you really believe it. Then eating healthy and exercising are just more ways to love yourself. Then it comes more naturally. No more beating yourself up. Its not time to "kick your own ass". It's time to give yourself a big f-ing hug and say you are beautiful and you deserve to nourishment from gorgeous whole foods that are gifts from mother nature and your beautiful body deserves to move because it makes you feel good. If you need healthy recipes pls check out my blog www.thefeelgoodkitchen.tv All the best x

    1. Jacqueline thank you so much, you're so sweet...and so right! Your advice is spot on...we have to tell ourselves that we are perfect/worth it etc and then believe it...and the rest will follow. Thank for taking the time to reach out, I will definitely check out your blog :)