Tuesday, August 25, 2015

My Name is Jen and I'm a Self-Sabotager

Last year my husband and I competed (with some friends) in Warrior Dash ... a 5K run and obstacle course. For months and months and months we planned, prepped and trained. And then for some reason, about 4 moths before the race, I started getting nervous. The excitement dwindled, nerves set it and I began to talk myself out of doing the race. And since I talked myself out of doing the race. I also stopped watching what I ate. And since I stopped watching what I was eating, I stopped working out. And since I stopped working out, I got flubbery again in places that were firming up, and I gained weight. Again. And because all of that happened, I felt so down abut myself.

But then the week of the race came along and it was too late to "quit" so I had no choice but to go shopping find new workout gear that wouldn't show off my rolls. I remember feeling like such a failure as I tried to squeeze into spandex type capri's and body con style tank tops. Didn't they make workout clothes that don't create new rolls and folds I thought?

I'll never forget that feeling of being so mad at myself for "letting myself go" at a moment in time where I could have used the goal of running this race as a motivating factor to keep my eye on the prize: a fit body.

I ran/walked the race and completed almost every obstacle course (with the exception of one) but when my friends posted pictures of the day on their social media accounts, I cringed. Who was the short chubby girl in those pictures? That's not my me. That's not my body. How did I allow myself to get that way yet again? I looked the same as I did two years ago, postpartum.

I promised myself I'd get a grip on my eating and lack of motivation to exercise. With my cousins upcoming wedding in Mexico 4 month later, surely I'd be able to drop a few pounds and tone up enough to make myself feel comfortable in my skin.

And then something funny happened.

I procrastinated. I ate chips. I ate chocolate. I had McDonald's more times than I can count. I feel asleep on the couch every night while I watched TV. My workout DVD collection collected dust, and I didn't even bother trying to go on lunch time walks. When the wedding rolled around, I was a few pounds heavier. I only have a few pictures of myself on that vacation, and they all make me sad. I felt huge. I felt mad at myself for not taking advantage of those 4 months. Wasn't this the year that I was supposed to live a healthy lifestyle? Wasn't this the year that I was supposed to get my weight under control so that my children don't grow up watching their mommy diet?

The funny thing is, even though I was so mad at myself after that vacation, I still did nothing. I worked out here and there, ate healthy enough, but still was only half-assing it day to day.

January 2015 rolled around. I promised myself to get back on track.

March 2015 rolled around. I promised myself indeed I'd get back on track for the Spring.

May 2015 rolled around. OK this is it, my 34th birthday. It's time I kick my own ass.

But still, day after day and night after night, after the kids were in bed, I'd make myself a snack and watch TV until I was so tired I could barely walk up the stairs. I'd forget to make myself a healthy lunch for the next day. I'd forget to defrost meat for dinner the following evening. I forgot to take my fibre supplements to help out the pains in my stomach from having IBS. All the while, knowing in my heart that once again, I was sabotaging my own goals. I get so close and then sabotage. I make a decision and then sabotage.

On June 1 I declared on this blog that I'd get my shit together for the final time. I was going to make 2015 the year I get healthy once and for all starting with making June my own personal bitch.

And then I sat on the couch for 14 days and I was about to declare July my own personal bitch when I realized something. I was sabotaging my own success again. I'm not sure why I do this. Is it laziness? Maybe I don't want a fit body as much as I think I do. Maybe I need to learn how to be more consistent in my daily routine. Maybe I need to re-learn time management.

So for the next little bit while I'm trying to figure out how to break my self-sabotaging habits, I'll also be working on getting myself back on the healthy and active living routine one step at a time. No fancy programs, no hard deadlines. Just healthy eating and getting some exercise in every day.

Baby steps. I think I can accept that.

Are you a newly realized Self-Sabotager too? Psychology Today has some great articles about how to break the cycle, you can find them here: www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-sabotage .